The Thirsty Knot

[Willieboy]

So this string walks into a bar after a hard day's work and orders a beer. The bartender looks the string up and down and tells him, "Sorry pal, we don't serve strings here. You'll have to leave." The string pleads his case explaining he's had a hard day and would like just one beer before catching the train home. The bartender tells him, "No dice buddy! We don't serve strings in this establishment so beat it."

Dejected, and still thirsty, the string leaves the bar and steps into an alley. Determined to get his beer, the string ties himslf in a knot such that the knot is where his head would be if he were a person. That done, the string frays his strands above the knot so it looks like hair above the knot. Satisfied he now resembles a person, the string returns to the bar, thirsty and determined.

Entering the bar, the string plops himself on a bar stool and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Yes sir, coming right up." The bartender turns from the bar to grab a glass and studies the string a little in the mirror. Suspicious, the bartender confronts the string saying, "Hey, wait a minute. Aren't you the same string that was in here a few minutes ago?"

The string replies, (drum roll please) "No, I'm a frayed knot."

Yuk, yuk, yuk!

[JimBianchi]

Wow, that was bad...........

[mr surveyor]

just bad enough to be funny in my current state of celebratory condition:D

[MW surveyor]

I like good puns. Take that as you like.

[Willieboy]

Don't tell me you guys don't like this side splitter.

[Dietrich]

Don't tell me you guys don't like this side splitter.
I don`t like this one,I love it.It`s the type of joke that may take some people a little while to get when it`s told to them verbally.Good one Willieboy.

[Dietrich]

A woman inherited a beautiful grand piano and needed to have it tuned.There was only one piano tuner in her small town and his name was Mr.Opporknockity.She called him and set up an appointment.He arrived and went quickly to work.After an hour or so he called to the lady and said the task was completed,received his fee and left. Later,the lady sat down at the piano and began to play.Much to her dismay,she noticed several of the keys were still out of tune.She called him and told him he needed to come back because the piano wasn`t tuned properly.He replied,"Madam,I`m sorry,but Opporknockity only tunes once."

[jeepster09]

Bass Pro Shop Sale...
A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco
404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please..' The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'

He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50

[Willieboy]

Good ones guys.

[Bill K]

Horse walks into a bar to order a drink. The bartender looks up and says to the horse... "Why such a long face?"

Bill K.

[jeepster09]

Horse walks into a bar to order a drink. The bartender looks up and says to the horse... "Why such a long face?"

Bill K.


I also ask my "Collie" that all the time........:D

[jimbar]

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

[Bawanna]

Oh my!:eek: I did not see that one coming. Nice.

[Dzozer]

Take my wife, please!

[Willieboy]

A priest is up in the bellfree preparing to ring the bell for the 10 o'clock mass. Just as he's about to grab the rope to ring the bell, a little tiny guy approaches the priest and asks, "Father, may I ring the bells?" The priest responds that the little guy may not ring the bells becasue he's not a priest and besides, he's not tall enough to reach the rope. The little guys says, "Father, I don't need to use the rope to ring the bell, I use my face for that." Curious, the priest asks for a demonstration. With that, the little fellow goes to the corner of the bellfree, aims himself at the bell and runs as fast as he can toward the bell. At the last minute the dimutive little guy leaps into the air and crashes face first into the bell. Sure enough, the bell goes "Bong" and the little man plops to the bellfree floor. The priest, unsure he can believe what he's just seen asks for a repeat performance. The little guy obliges, Run, run, leap, crash, bong. plop. The priest says, "Okay, I guess you don't need rope and I think you've earned the right to ring the bells. Now, it's ten o'clock mass so I need ten rings of the bell. Have at it little fellow."

So the little guy returns to the corner of the bellfree and goes at it: Run, run, leap, crash, bong plop. Run, run, leap, crash, bong plop. Run, run, leap, crash, bong plop.... After nine rings, his nose is broken, his left eye is swollen shut and he's seeing double. However, knowing he has only one ring to go, he returns to the bellfree corner, gathers all his stregth and courage and races accross the bellfree floor. He leaps into the air at the last minute, misses the bell, flys out the bellfree window and falls ten stories to the street below. The priest, fearing for the little man's welfare, races down the circular bellfree stairs and runs out to the street where the gathering crowd asks, "Father, father, did you know this man?" The priest responds, "I did not know his name (drumroll please), but his face rings a bell."

Exactly one year later, the same priest is up in the bellfree preparing to ring the bell for the ten o'clock mass. Again, a little tiny guy approaches the priest and asks, "Father, may I ring the bells?" The priest says in response, "Hell no, last year I let a little guy ring the bells and we had a terrible tragedy." The little guy says, "I know Father, that was my brother the bell ringer who died that day, and I was hoping you'd let me ring the bell in his honor and to remember the one year anniversary of his death." The priest points out the man's slight stature and says he's not tall enough to reach the rope either. The little guys explains he does not need the rope, that he ring the bell with his face, as his brother did. As before, the priest asks for a demonstration. With that, the little fellow goes to the corner of the bellfree, aims himself at the bell and runs as fast as he can toward the bell. At the last minute the dimutive little guy leaps into the air and crashes face first into the bell. Sure enough, the bell goes "Bong" and the little man plops to the bellfree floor. The priest, unsure he can believe what he's just seen asks for a repeat performance. The little guy obliges, Run, run, leap, crash, bong. plop. The priest says, "Okay, I guess you don't need rope either and I think you've earned the right to ring the bells. But, for heavens sake, be careful. I don't want another terrible tragedy like we had last year. Now, it's ten o'clock mass so I need ten rings of the bell. Have at it little fellow."

So the little guy returns to the corner of the bellfree and goes at it: Run, run, leap, crash, bong plop. Run, run, leap, crash, bong plop. Run, run, leap, crash, bong plop.... After nine rings, his nose is broken, his left eye is swollen shut and he's seeing double. However, knowing he has only one ring to go, he returns to the bellfree corner, gathers all his stregth and courage and races accross the bellfree floor. He leaps into the air at the last minute , misses the bell, flys out the bellfree window and falls ten stories to the street below. The priest, fearing for the little man's welfare, races down the circular bellfree stair and runs out to the street where the gathering crowd asks, "Father, father, did you know this man?" The priest responds, "I did not know his name (drumroll please), but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

[MW surveyor]

Long but good.

Two o'clock in the morning and a guy hears a knocking at his door. Guy goes and opens the door and sees a snail on his doorstep. The guy is mad, picks up the snail and throws it a far as he can, closes the door and goes back to sleep.


One year later, same time in the morning, knocking at the door. Guy answers the door and sees a snail. Snail says "What the heck was that for?"

[jocko]

ok guys, keep um coming, long or short, I have time!! I kinda liked the bell ringer one though...

course surv, for a short one, urs waqs super...

[jocko]

I had a drop deadgeorgeous 25 years old blonde come in t the coffee shop this monring where I was reading the Wall Street Jouran, she came right to e table and set down and said how u doing big boy!! I did what probaby most 67 year old geezers would do. I FARTED. and that was the end of the conversation. I'm gonna have to work on that alittle bit!! Thats a true story guys!!!

[jocko]

I had a drop dead georgeous 25 years old blonde come in to the coffee shop this monring where I was reading the Wall Street Journal, she came right to my table and set down and said how u doing big boy!! I did what probaby most 67 year old geezers would do. I FARTED. and that was the end of the conversation. I'm gonna have to work on that alittle bit!! Thats a true story guys!!!:behindsofa:

[getsome]

In the voice of the old man on the TV show Pawn Stars,... "Oh My God"

[Willieboy]

I assume you are all familiar with famous indian chiefs such as Sitting Bull, Cochise, Short Cake, and Geronimo. What's that? You say you've never heard of Chief Shortcake? Allow me to edify you.

Chief Short Cake was the head of a great Sioux tribe. One day, Short Cake called his brave together and they prepared to meet the Long Knives on the great prarie where a tremendous battle ensued. During the battle, tragically from perspective of Chief Short Cake, he was killed. After the battle, his braves picked up Short Cakes body and tied him over his indian pony. (No saddles were used by indians you know so Short Cake just rested on the pony's indian blanket.)

The braves returned to the indian village and decided to take the chief directly to the burial grounds and bury him before giving Mrs. Short Cake the bad news. However, to get to the burial grounds. it was necessary to go down Short Cake's street. As they passed Chief Short Cake's teepee, Mrs. Short Cake came out on the front porch. (In case you didn't know, only chief's had teepees with a front porch. They had balconys and patios too, but that's a matter for a different story.) Anyway, Mrs. Short Cake sees her husband draped over the saddleless pony and asks, "What's happend? What's happened to my husband, Chief Short Cake?" The braves reply that the chief had been slain in the great battle with the Blue Coats and they were taking him to the cemetary to bury him. Mrs. Short Cake says, "STOP! SquawBuryShortCake."

[Willieboy]

A guy goes to see his shrink and says, "Doc, I don't know what's the matter with me. One minute I'm a teepee. Next minute I'm a wigwam. I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam. I think I'm goin nuts Doc."

The shrink replys, "Don't worry, you're not going nuts. You're just too tents."

[Recycooler]

Two blondes driving down the road get a flat tire,pull into a station to get it fixed,one goes to the restroom,one asks the mechanic how to fix it.The blonde comes out of the restroom only to find her friend blowing into the tail pipe.What are you doing? she asks ,don't tell me you fell for that old trick,how dumb can you be? Don't you know that wont work unless the windows are rolled up!

[jimbar]

We're still doing these? OK, here's one.......

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[MW surveyor]

we're still doing these.

Another short one:

Then there was a group of Democrats who were stranded over night on an escalator when the power failed. :behindsofa:

[Bawanna]

we're still doing these.

Another short one:

Then there was a group of Democrats who were stranded over night on an escalator when the power failed. :behindsofa:

Thats the video I was trying to post but I couldn't figure out how to post the link. Mindboggling.

[MW surveyor]

Whoa! Great minds think alike?

You mean there's a video out on this joke? Of course there would, we are in the video age! Can't just picture stuff in your mind. But I'll bet it made a good video.

[Bawanna]

I'll forward to your email , maybe you can figure out how to post it.

[MW surveyor]

It's in the May anything goes! And what the heck, here as well

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDNDcBkyOOM

[getsome]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the desert and at dawn Tonto pokes the Lone Ranger in the side to wake him up and says, Kemo Sabe look up and tell me what you see....Tle Lone Ranger looks around and says I see a beautiful day starting with the fog burning off and not a cloud in the sky in which I also see an eagle soaring on the wind looking for a meal, I also see the mountains in the distant haze still covered with snow....So Tonto tell me what you see...Tonto says I see-um that somebody stole-um tent last night...:p

[jeepster09]

My new favorite drink:

"The Bin Laden" Two shots, and a splash of water.
:ohmy:

[Willieboy]

So, three guys arrive at the pearly gates hoping they qualify for admittance to heaven. The first is an eighty-five year old man.

Mr. Jones

Saint Peter says to the man, "Ah, Mr. Jones, we've been expecting you. Unfortunately, you've arrived at an inopportune time. You see, heaven is somewhat overcrowded so we've had to raise the bar somewhat. Under the new requirements, not only must you have lived a holy, christian life during your time on earth, you also must have had a really bad day on your last day alive.

Mr. Jones replies, "Boy, I think I qualify," and he tells his story. " While I am quite elderly, I still enjoyed the rigors of the work-a-day world. So, like everyday, I went in to the office bright an early. Then, about mid-morning, I began to feel a tightness in my chest. Fearing it may be the onset of a heart attack, I left early and returned home to rest. Now, I live on the 70th floor of a condominium apartment building. So, I ride the elevator up to seventy and enter my apartment. No sooner do I enter the foyer than I hear groaning from my bedroom. Fearing my 80 year old wife may be in distress, I run to the bedroom. Saint Peter, when I got there I was shocked to see my wife in bed with another man. I gasped and the younger man, with great speed and agility, sprang from the bed and ran. Livid, I chased him as best I could. However I lost sight of him when I stopped to rest. I figured the rascal had gotten away so I returned to the bedroom to berate my wife. As I entered the bedroom, I heard a cry for help coming from the balcony. I stepped onto the balcony and saw fingertips clinging to the edge. Looking over the rail, I saw a young, naked man looking up at me and smiling. Smiling I say!. Well Saint Peter, I was determined to kill this young pervert so I stomped on his fingers. I kept stomping until he released his grip and fell seventy stories. Unfortunately, he landed in some thick shrubbery that broke his fall. I could see he was still alive because he was wiggling and writhing in pain. So, I began throwing things at him. I hit with the toaster oven, a table lamp, my wife's undies, etc. But still he lived. So, I went over to the kitchen, disconnected the refrigerator, rolled it out onto the balcony and pushed it over the railing. Direct hit!. I had killed him. I got so exited at my success, I started jumping up and down, had a heart attack and here I am. Do I qualify for entry Saint Peter?" Saint Peter responds saying, "Well, the Lord's not happy about your having killed the man but, under the circumstances, he will grant you absolution and we welcome you to heaven Mr. Jones."

Mr. Smith

Next in line is a young naked man. Saint Peter tells him of the new rules and the young man explains he too had a terrible last day on earth. He explains he lived on the 71st floor of a condominium apartment building. He said he awoke the morning of his last day feeling too good to go to work. So, he grabbed some coffee and orange juice and went out to the balcony, naked, to relax and enjoy the beautiful morning. Then he decided to do some exercises. He did some stretching exercises, push ups and then decided to finish up with some jumping jacks. While doing the jumping jacks, he explained, "I felt so good, so free in my nakedness, that I jumped too high and flew over the balcony's railing. Fortunately, I was able to stop my fall by grabbing the floor of the balcony of the apartment on the 70th floor. So Saint Peter, I hung there and called for help. In a few minutes, an old man appeared and I smiled up at expectantly. You see Saint Peter, I was sure this old man to help me up. Instead though, he began stomping on my fingers until I could no longer hold on. I fell 70 floors and landed in some bushes that broke my fall. Unfortunately, they were thorn bushes and I was struggling greatly to get out of the bushes. Then, from far above, I see see a small appliance, a lamp and some ladies undies falling from the heavens. These items did hit me but really didn't hurt me. Then, to my horror, I saw a big refrigerator heading my way. Well, the refrigerator hit me square and killed me. That certainly seems to me to have been a terrible last day. What do you think Saint Peter, do I qualify?" Saint Peter consults his book and says, "Our records show that you, Mr. Smith, have lived a good Christian life and your last day on earth was unquestionably terrible. So, welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven Mr. Smith.

Mr. Clinton

The third man in line was Bill Clinton. Saint Peter was shocked to see the young president at the pearly gates and asked, "Mr. Clinton, you're far to young to be here. What was it Mr. Clinton, an accident, an assassination, did Hilary hit you in the head with an ashtray?" Bill Clinton responds with that charming smile of his, saying, "Picture this Petey, I'm hiding in this refrigerator and....."

[MW surveyor]

I like it!

[rholmes69]

After God made Adam he said, "I am going to give you a helpmate
She will be called 'woman' and she will be your friend, she will cook for you, clean your home, be kind and gentle, be your helper, when you argue, she will be the first one to admit you are right." Adam said, "What would she cost me?" God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can you give me for a rib?" The rest is history.

[rholmes69]

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine.'

And the other guy says: 'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling.'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. 'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, 'No........I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the guy say nervously... 'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.'

[rholmes69]

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par 3 the priest asks, 'What are you going to use on this hole my son?'

The young man says, 'An 8 iron, father, how about you?'

The priest says, 'I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray.'

The young man hits his 8 iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards

The young man says, 'I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down.'

[rholmes69]

One Liners Quickies!!!!!!!

Q. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
A. The position of the dirt bag.

Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
A. Because they have cotton balls.

Q. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A. Mace will do that to you.

Q. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
A. Everyone has the same DNA.

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar.

Q. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.

[Jeremiah/Az]

What is the difference in a cactus & a Lexus?

On a cactus the pr!cks are on the outside!