July's Useless Anything Goes Thread the 2nd [Archive]

Bawanna

07-01-2011, 10:18 AM

First groaner of the month:

Sorry MW, was testing to see if these monthly threads would be missed. Sorry I let ya down.

From MW Surveyor

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
********************
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
**********************
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and after wards they went to the theater followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
*************************
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
************************
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
*************************
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies 'You just happened to catch my eye.'

Wanted to make this the first one for July but noooooooo!

DriveMyKahr

07-01-2011, 10:31 AM

Look at your July 2011 calendar:

There are 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays in this month.

That will not happen again for 843 years.

Based on that I propose that you put off mowing the lawn until another Saturday.

...and on that extra Friday, meet me at the local watering hole.

Cheers!

MW surveyor

07-01-2011, 11:05 AM

NO PROBLEM BAWANNA. The monthly useless anything goes thread is definitely not to be missed! See how many views and posts this had last month!

OK, here goes (as usual copied from another forum)

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine .

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion .

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Last, but not least,..............Acupuncture is a jab well done!
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MW surveyor

07-02-2011, 08:31 AM

Okay, here's another one stolen from elsewhere:

A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.

She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful.

Did I really make it to heaven?"

To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked.

"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love.L-o-v-e."

St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.

"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"

St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.

So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She realizes it is her loser husband.

"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"

Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"

To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."

"What word?" he asked.

The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."

kb2wji

07-02-2011, 01:10 PM

melissa5

07-02-2011, 01:20 PM

Dietrich

07-02-2011, 01:49 PM

I can`t remember if I`ve told this one before but if I have PARDON ME!!

Ms Irene was the organist at the First Baptist Church for 38 years.When she posted the notice that she planned to retire in the church bulletin,the congregation was dismayed.They went to the preacher and asked him to go see Ms.Irene in hopes he could persuade her to reconsider.The church won`t be the same without her beautiful organ music,they said.
So,being a good Baptist minister,he dropped in on Ms.Irene to have a talk with her.She invited him into her music room/parlor where she practiced on her own Wurlitzer.As the preacher sat down he was horrified to see a fishbowl on top of Ms.Irene`s Wurlitzer that had a condom floating in it.He tried in vain to stay on topic but the thought of the condom in the fishbowl was more than he could bear.Unable to tear his eyes away from it he finally asked,"Ms.Irene,what is that you`ve got in your fishbowl?'
She replied,"Well,I don`t rightly know.I found that thing while I was taking a walk in the park and the package it was in said to keep it moist,place it on my organ and it was sold as a preventative of disease.It must work because my arthritis hasn`t bothered me since I put it up there."

ltxi

07-02-2011, 05:29 PM

Well....there we go. After that all else will be anticlimactic.

wyntrout

07-03-2011, 10:28 AM

Anything goes... Red Neck Shooting Games:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_t5Z-YjwEs

Yeehaa!

Wynn:D

Legal Disavowment:

I neither condone nor encourage such activity. I guess these were "trained professionals" so please don't try this at home... or your local pool!

Wynn:D

Dietrich

07-03-2011, 11:03 AM

kb2wji

07-03-2011, 03:10 PM

So i'm riding my mountain bike this morning. Doing a fairly fast and fun 12 mile loop. I get to mile 6. Exactly mile 6. Not 5.9, not 6.1. Mile 6, of an exactly 12 mile loop. Mile 6 is where my tire immediately and explosively decides its no longer obligated to hold air. Now I have a choice. I can walk back the way I came, which is kind of down hill. Or, walk the rest of the way around, which is mostly uphill. One way is easier, but I basically failed. The other way is tougher, but I can say I at least finished my loop. Mind you, im in cycling shoes, which are about the most uncomfortable shoes on the planet for walking. It's exactly 6 miles back to the car either way. What are the odds. Rant over.

Me again. Hope you guys dont mind. I was attracted to the thread title like a moth to a light bulb. So I fixed my tire (blown tube, just didnt have a spare). Went riding again this morning. Got a a little air. Went something like this... :cool: :) :D :ohmy: :eek: :mad: Now my wheel is more like a slightly rounded square. Of course my spoke wrench is where I left my spare tube (at the bike store). This time, I didnt have to walk, but it was a very bumpy and slow ride back to the car. What are the odds. Rant over.

wyntrout

07-03-2011, 04:49 PM

Those Rednecks can have some fun!

Here's an educational bit... in case you were ever wondering if a .50 BMG would fit in a 12-ga. barrel... just a test fitting for educational purposes... no kablooie.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oiGUAa4zG70&feature=related

Wynn:)

jeepster09

07-07-2011, 04:24 PM

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
"Hello, President Obama”
A heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Archie, down here at Joes Crab Shack, Houston Texas , I am callin' to tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on ya!"
"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news!
How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!"
Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor."
President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day… “President Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harold’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"
Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Oh Lord," said Archie, "l'll have to call you back."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Obama! I am
sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a few beers, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed two million prisoners.." :hungry:

frank_drebin

07-08-2011, 09:37 PM

Anything?

http://i212.photobucket.com/albums/cc81/jbabbler/forum/Ryobicb9.jpg

JFootin

07-09-2011, 06:27 PM

From the Kahr Talk pictorial encyclopaedia, a visual definition of BUTT UGLY!

http://i1230.photobucket.com/albums/ee486/John_England/ButtUgly.jpg

slowpoke

07-14-2011, 05:14 PM

http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/slaan.html
Move your mouse and try to touch the guys nose.

(http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/slaan.html)

wyntrout

07-14-2011, 05:34 PM

Dang! That's different! I was trying to figure out what's written on his shirt.
Lady Daddy??

Wynn:)

frank_drebin

07-14-2011, 08:49 PM

The CIA was interviewing candidates for an assassins position.

After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists.
One Green Beret
One Air Force Sniper
One Marine

It was difficult to decide so they devised a test to see if the would-be assassin would follow any orders regardless of how horrible they seemed.

For the final test, one at a time the CIA agents took each of the men in to a room, handed them a G19 and said "In the room next door you will find your wife. She is your first target. Shoot her in the head to prove your loyalty"

The Green Beret entered the room and closed the door behind him. There was loud talking and sobbing. A few minutes later the door opened and the man emerged holding his wife's hand. "I can't do this" he said sobbing. "She's the mother of my kids, my best friend and I love her. Besides, she told me if I did her mom would cut me out of their will".

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job." "Take your wife and go home."

The Air Force Sniper was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but she won't let me. She yelled at me and called me names. She never appreciates the things I do to earn money for our family! Nobody does!!!" and he ran down the hall crying.

The agent yelled behind him, "You don't have what it takes." "Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the Marine's turn. He was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Before the door even closed you could hear her start nagging him. Shots immediately rang out one after another followed by the sound of a magazine hitting the floor and another one being rammed home. Another mag was emptied...... That was followed by loud banging and cursing. Finally, the Marine emerged from the room. He casually walked over to the agents wiping the sweat from his brow and said "Damn, that was a good test. I wish you would have told me that gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat her to death with the chair."

kb2wji

07-15-2011, 12:46 AM

Anything?

http://i212.photobucket.com/albums/cc81/jbabbler/forum/Ryobicb9.jpg

I know I know!! Hi-Point! The gun of choice for our local thugs. I'd recognize it anywhere :D

jeepster09

07-15-2011, 07:03 PM

Attitude suitability test
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a law man. He grew up big 6' 2" and strong as a longhorn and fast as a mustang.

He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.

When he finally became of age he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.

After a big mess of tests and interviews the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.

The Chief Deputy says: "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good. But we have what you call an 'attitude suitability test' that you must take before you can be accepted.We just don't let anyone carry our badge son."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six democrats, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude, You pass." says the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"

wyntrout

07-17-2011, 09:04 PM

Jocko,

I thought about you when my buddy sent this email: :)

"I called your house the other day and was told you were down at your favorite biker bar with some friends.

I wasn't sure where that was, but was told I wouldn't have much trouble finding it.

Sure enough, I drove just a couple blocks and there it was...

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_afp_jSTTvBQ/Sj91c-BW3pI/AAAAAAAAAb8/43_AFBhqEds/s400/senior-biker-bar.bmp
http://kahrtalk.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=4028&stc=1&d=1310954595

There is nothing like the feel of the Sun on your face and the wind in your hair....."

Uh... maybe it was someone else... can't remember stuff these days... that C.R.S.!

Wynn:)

OldLincoln

07-23-2011, 08:59 PM

You gotta see this exorcism gone wrong (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGb8pMIeY6w)! The devil has a firm hold on this unfortunate soul and isn't about to let go. Can the priest pull the plug? Watch and learn.

wyntrout

07-24-2011, 09:05 AM

Good grief... the lead in was a snoozer... way too long!

Here's a chuckle for the overheated areas of the country:

mr surveyor

07-24-2011, 12:21 PM

Good grief... the lead in was a snoozer... way too long!

Here's a chuckle for the overheated areas of the country:

I can relate to that:eek:

rholmes69

07-24-2011, 02:59 PM

The Egg Business... Farm people will understand.

John was in the egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters to fertilize them. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, Obama, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed Obama's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, Obama had thought of a way to do it without work, he had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of Obama, he entered him in the Chicago County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded Obama the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well.

Clearly Obama was a politician. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Vote carefully next fall, the bells are not always audible.

aray

07-25-2011, 11:12 AM

Swiped this from another gun forum.

Subject is "How to troll a dating website":

http://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&f=210&t=1017090&mid=19567&i=0&nmt=How+to+troll+a+dating+website

wyntrout

07-25-2011, 12:18 PM

OMG! I'm still flushed from laughing! Very good, Ray! Wow! I love some of the additions and "interpretations"... the dog's eyes, etc. What a hoot!

Wynn:D

Bawanna

07-29-2011, 03:12 PM

The Tiny Cabin

A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts
recently transferred to Mountains of Tennessee and was
on first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest
cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the
door.
"Anybody home?" she asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice
through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the social
worker.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the
kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social
worker.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the
kid.

"But," protested the social worker, "are you never together as
a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the
door. "This is the outhouse!"

Aren't you overjoyed that the government is legislating
to soon have Federal employees handle all of our financial,
educational and medical dilemmas?

JBowl1

07-29-2011, 04:43 PM

Bawanna

07-29-2011, 05:11 PM

Anyone have an opinion on a CW .45 vs. P45? I love the money savings. I don't know if the MIM piece makes a real difference (slide lock), but I'm concerned about the pinned sights. Is there NO way to replace stock sights with night sights on the CW .45? Thanks.

Nothing at all wrong with a CW. The pinned sights can be replaced easier than the dovetailed version. Never hears of any issues with the MIM slide stop either.
Dawson Precision offers some real nice sights.

mr surveyor

07-29-2011, 05:21 PM

for my contribution to the uselessness of the July thread....y'all don't forget my birthday in on Sunday, July the thirty-wunth:D

Bawanna

07-29-2011, 05:25 PM

for my contribution to the uselessness of the July thread....y'all don't forget my birthday in on Sunday, July the thirty-wunth:D

Like your pals here at kahrtalk are gonna let that happen? yeah right. I just got 3 words for you pal. Bar B Cue. Everyone link up in Texas and we'll get r dun.

mr surveyor

07-29-2011, 05:29 PM

firing up the grill ain't a special occassion thing for me....it averages at least three grillings per week.... but, y'all bring the road kill and I'll dang shore cook it up:D

wyntrout

07-29-2011, 05:32 PM

I don't know why no one wants to look on Kahr's site, but here are Trijicons... the easiest and cheapest when the 12-year half-life is up to replace, but that's thinking really long term. :)

CW/CM Trijicon Night Sights

$80

http://www.kahr.com/Sights/Kahr-CWCM-Trijicon-Night-Sights.asp

Wynn:)

Bawanna

07-29-2011, 05:35 PM

firing up the grill ain't a special occassion thing for me....it averages at least three grillings per week.... but, y'all bring the road kill and I'll dang shore cook it up:D

Actually even up here in the north country we grill at least that much also. The term to me actually describes the event, not the means of making the road kill palatable.
Its sort of a Sunday go to meeting slang term. Business casual, wear your prettiest and coolest gun/holster combination. Maybe a string tie (naw scratch that too hot), you get the idea.
Would surely be nice to have a big ole forum get together though wouldn't it. Course in my case many have said I'm best loved from a distance, the further the better. Not sure what that means exactly, perhaps I'm abrasive in person or something.

Bawanna

07-29-2011, 05:38 PM

Course this does present the question, what do you get the Texas Surveyor who has everything, supposin of course he's been a good boy.

Hmmm, perhaps the gallery could toss in some ideas for the less talented gift buyers?

mr surveyor

07-29-2011, 06:05 PM

actually, back in 2004-2006 I did "host" a gathering of web site forum members get-to-gathers twice a year. It was a bunch of surveyors from Texas, Mississippi, Louisana, Arkansas and Oklahoma that attended in late Spring and again in the Fall. I boiled about 150 lbs of crawfish in the Spring, then used the (frozen) leftovers and made 5 gallons of crawfish gumbo, and 2-3 gallons of mrs. surv's chile for the Fall. We did the big eating event one night, then those that chose to hang around all night would get together the next day and play golf. Really good times for the first 3-4 get togethers. The real downside to the "web site get-togethers" is distance traveled for an event. It seems that 300-400 miles is the average person's limit for something like that, and the overall logistics are touchy at best. Our "gatherings" were partly due to common interests of a group of surveyors/mapping specialists in developing certain techniques in improving GPS technology, and also to get a bunch of folks together again that participated in the Shuttle Columbia recovery and mapping program (a whole nother story). It was really good times.

Bawanna

07-29-2011, 06:10 PM

Yup the logistics and distances would kill us. Kind of good thinking about such an event. Meeting folks we call friends that we've never met, having the opportunity to punch a few squarely in the nose that deserve it, maybe some that don't, hugging a few others, a variety pack in the best kind of way.

mr surveyor

07-29-2011, 06:22 PM

yep... that punching in the nose thing is what generally catches up with those events sooner or later. That's why our's had to stop after the fourth or fifth one. Fortunately for me, the host isn't normally the one getting punched:D

Bawanna

07-29-2011, 06:39 PM

Plus the host never has to leave the farm. That's the part I like. I'm lucky that my wife likes to host get togethers. I prefer the home court advantage.

I'm not opposed to a sound punch in the nose now and again although I do seem to tire of it as I mature. Better to give than receive like so many other things in life.

mr surveyor

07-29-2011, 07:11 PM

yep, that's the way it goes.

I still have the honor of hosting my group of fishing and hunting buddies cook outs every 3-4 months, but we all know each other all too well as most of us grew up together. Our supply of doves is finally down to just enough for one more get to gather in August, so it's on the schedule before our September dove hunt to (try to) replenish the supply. The down side is that the drought has killed every crop in the area of our hunting lease in West Texas, so it's gonna be nothing more than "flyovers" this year. We may have just as good a luck staying home and shooting birds over the local goat weed and save the 3330 mile trip and motel expense. Either way, we will still have our "gatherings" even if it has to be road kill.:D