a woman and a man

[jocko]

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe . Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self -preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet . Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.

[jocko]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of only one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. I didn't have my LCP with me but I approached the largest and most tattooed biker anyway. I smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I then said, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago

[Chuck54]

;):D:)

[wyntrout]

LOL... good one... the second. :D

Wynn:)

[Dietrich]

Two worth remembering IMO.Good work Jocko.

[jocko]

hell I found this on another forum... course I always do good work asu noted..

[wayneo1]

I like it, good st. peter joke

[pm9fan]

Note: It's a small switch, but it's HIS switch!

[TucsonMTB]

Note: It's a small switch, but it's HIS switch!
http://kahrtalk.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=4187&d=1313292015
I like it! We need an even larger version. ;)

[jocko]

now thats a good one, and so so true. why is that we men are so simple and yet rule the world???

[jeepster09]

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capitalization.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the
following statement...

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

[CJB]

now thats a good one, and so so true. why is that we men are so simple and yet rule the world???

We rule? Don't let my galpal hear you say that... jeeze!

[yqtszhj]

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capitalization.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the
following statement...

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

That will make you appreciate english class. :madgrin:

[jocko]

Mr. Smith is standing in front of a Judge in a Divorce proceeding;

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case carefully," the Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $750 a week."

"That sounds fair, your honor, " Mr. Smith said, "And I'll try and kick a few bucks myself every now and then ....."

[jocko]

We rule? Don't let my galpal hear you say that... jeeze!

ur the one who has to deal with her NOT ME:D

[jocko]

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.
The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep", he replied. "That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says:

'Fine For Dumping Garbage'


for some of u southern boys.

[jocko]

THE "TWO COW" EXPLANATION

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them Worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.

[jocko]

THIS IS SERIOUS STUFF THIS TIME, IT HAPPENED TO ME 6 TIMES so beon the alert.


A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen January 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also February 1st & 4th, Twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 30th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Home Depot

[jocko]

confusious says:

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Good cook never cooks carrots and peas in same pot.

Squirrel who runs up woman's' leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS say. .. .

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

[MikeyKahr]

My all time favorite Confucius saying:

Man who sink into woman's arms, soon have arms in woman's sink!

Sent using Tapatalk

[CJB]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v214/bandersnatchreverb/women-brain2.gifhttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v214/bandersnatchreverb/women-brain2.gif

The picture, above, is an illustration of a woman's brain. Each blue ball controls a thought process. As you can see, there are over 100 thought processes all happening at the same time. Conversely, a man's brain has only two balls controlling his thoughts.

[les strat]

These are all great! Keep em coming!

[MW surveyor]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir..'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says,'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man growls at his wife and says through clenched teeth,'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says,'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'


I love this part.........................



'Only when he's been drinking.'

[getsome]

And thats when the fight started.....Good one, LOL...:yo:..

[MW surveyor]

If this has been posted on this thread before......too bad!

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked him. "Remember when your father caught us fooling around when you were 16?" he replied. "And remember, he said, I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison."

Baffled, she said, "yes, I remember. So?"

"Well...I would have gotten out today!"

[wyntrout]

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed.. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.

"Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.
"On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.”

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn’t help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest....."

Wynn:D

[MW surveyor]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM , the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,

"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

[MikeyKahr]

Best joke I read in a long time, thanks MW!

Sent using Tapatalk

[MW surveyor]

Thanks Mikey.....I peruse a bunch of forums and when I see a good one, I pass it on.

[QuercusMax]

Here is a philosophical question for you all to ponder:

If a man says something, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he *still* wrong?

[melissa5]

Here is a philosophical question for you all to ponder:

If a man says something, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he *still* wrong?

YES :p

[MW surveyor]

HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN: Wine her, Dine her, Call her, Hold her, Surprise her, Compliment her, Smile at her, Listen to her, Laugh with her, Cry with her, Romance her, Encourage her, Believe in her, Cuddle with her, Shop with her, Give her jewelry, Buy her flowers, Hold her hand, Write love letters to her, Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her...........

HOW TO TREAT A MAN: Show up naked, Bring chicken wings & beer, Don't block the TV...