If U have > 31,999 rds thru UR PM9, this is 4U

[TriggerMan]

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. "Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?

All in good fun. Shouldn't the forum have a humor folder, my golf forum does?

[TriggerMan]

The other night I was out for wings, etc. with a few friends. After consuming too much beer, and knowing full well that I was wasted, I did something I've never done before.

Believe it or not, I took a bus home. Yes, a bus. I arrived home safely and without incident.

This was really a surprise to me since I had never driven a bus before!

[jocko]

both super, stioll LMAOROTF!!

[JFootin]

both super, stioll LMAOROTF!!

You mean like this? http://i1230.photobucket.com/albums/ee486/John_England/Misc/laugh.gif

[TriggerMan]

Socially Unacceptable Humor
---------------------------------
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest ***** she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend...yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa !!!

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4,000 ******* Muslims have added me as a friend!!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard.

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

[JimBianchi]

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for Christmas.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

[Armybrat]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing. The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.' The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.

His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

I don't know, he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!'

[jocko]

TRIGGER MAN: I dn't careif u ever post again,ur truly have outdone yourself. My sides still hurt. That is the funniest sh-t I have read in years.

[jocko]

damn Trigger man, I can't stop laughing. making ol jocko sick

[melissa5]

LOL! Good stuff!

[rwblue01]

Thank you, LOL

[JFootin]

TRIGGER MAN: I dn't careif u ever post again,ur truly have outdone yourself. My sides still hurt. That is the funniest sh-t I have read in years.

+10! http://i1230.photobucket.com/albums/ee486/John_England/Misc/laugh.gif

[Avenger]

There is some great stuff here!

My small addition...

Always remember...

While roses on your piano are nice, it is always preferable to have tulips on your organ.

:)

[jocko]

u guys are just to much today..

[TriggerMan]

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.

He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too.

Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken.

She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principals office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sander." Guess where I am now.......

[TriggerMan]

A Fairy Tale Just for Men

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, Will you marry me?
The Princess said, No!!!

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and had sex with skinny long-legged big-boobed broads.

He hunted and fished and raced cars and went to strip bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan rum.

He never heard b!tch!ng and never paid child support or alimony and made love to cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans.

He blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frikin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

THE END.

[TriggerMan]

Taking our demographics into consideration....

An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra "can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?" I can cut them for you said Dan the Pharmacist. But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. I am 96 said the old man. I don't want a full erection! I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers.

[TriggerMan]

A guy goes to his doctor because his ***** has turned orange. The doc examines him and doesn't find any obvious reason for the unusual color, so he says to the guy, "Maybe the cause is environmental. What do you do for a living?" The man replies, "I don't work." Doc asks, "What do you do all day?" "Nothing. I just sit around watching the Playboy Channel and eating Cheetos."

[JFootin]

Taking our demographics into consideration....

An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra "can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?" I can cut them for you said Dan the Pharmacist. But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. I am 96 said the old man. I don't want a full erection! I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers.

LOL! Thanks! I'll try that! :blushing::o:p:):D

[TriggerMan]

A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie

the ticket agent asked, "sir, what's that on your shoulder?"

the old farmer said, "that's my pet rooster chuck. Wherever i go, chuck goes."

"i'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent "we can't allow him in the theater."

the old farmer went around the corner and stuffed chuck down his overalls.

Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater.
He sat down next to two old widows named marion and marge.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. . .
The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"marge," whispered marion.

"what?" said marge
.
"i think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"what makes you think so?" asked marge?

"he undid his pants and he has his thing out", whispered marion.

"well, don't worry about it", said marge.. "at our age we've seen 'em all"
"i thought so too", said marion, "but this one's eatin' my popcorn...!"

[TriggerMan]

The Stowaway

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.

From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

[ripley16]

Thanks, I needed some good laughs. :D

[wyntrout]

...Cheerios and ...popcorn had me rolling on the floor... almost. Thanks, guys.

Wynn:D